Screaming Fangirls
by auri mynonys
Summary: Darth Maul comes to Earth and finds that the girls there aren't as afraid of him as they should be... COMPLETE!
1. Darth Meets the Fangirls

**Author's Note: I started writing this story during Honor's Night.  
Translation: I wrote this during four miserable hours of listening to different teachers drone on and on about stupid preps, jocks, and other idiots, just so I could go up and get a speech team award at the beginning of the ceremony. I take full responsibility for the utter randomness that follows.  
**

_darthprincess64: Well, you know, Darth Maul is really just a big sweetie inside._

_ mauledbymaul: really? what makes u think that?_

_darthprincess64: well its obvious he's all abused and stuff by sidous so yah I bet he's actually really nice._

_mauledbymaul: dude, first, his master's name is Sidious. Get it freakin right. Second, he's like a trained assassin, he wouldn't have a totally nice side!_

_darthprincess64: yah whatever._

_- - - - - - - - - _

The Sith Infiltrator cruised through space, swift, sleek, mysterious. Invisible, of course, because Darth Maul usually traveled with his ship's cloak up. Not that it really matter in this forsaken sector of the galaxy. Thus far, the Galactic Republic hadn't even taken notice of it.

Darth Maul silently cursed his master's plans under his breath. He still did not understand why Sidious would want him to seek out this distant planet. When he had asked, his master had only smiled and replied, "It is a test. We will see how well you survive it."

What test could lie on so remote a planet? Darth Maul glared at the controls impatiently, as though this would make them move faster. When they failed to notice his look and continued at the exact rate at which they had been working for the past forty hours, Maul growled angrily and went to a computer terminal nearby. He flicked it on carelessly and watched as different facts about the planet he was approaching rolled across the screen.

Suddenly, a small box appeared in the middle of the computer's screen. It read, "Would you like to connect with this planet's main form of communication?"

Darth Maul pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Yes."

Immediately, a window opened on the monitor. Its title read, "Welcome to Star Wars Chicks chat!" There were hundreds of sentences scrolling down the screen, led by strange names. Several of these names rapidly caught his attention and he began to read the following conversation:

_mrsmaul: I think darthprincess is so right I mean how could he not be sweet inside?_

_ sithassassin: uh u mean how could he be sweet in n e way I mean seriously think about it he KILLS peeps w/o thinking twice dude how can a guy like that b sweet?_

_ mauledbymaul: lol sithassassin but ur so right. it just isn't possible that he'd be a nice guy._

_ darthprincess64: well I think you guys r wrong_

_ maulslover: me 2 cuz hes just to grate to b evil_

_ mauledbymaul: y r u so attracted to him if u don't like evil guys?_

_ maulslover: hes not evil._

_ sithassassin: uh so is_

_ maulslover: is not_

_ sithassassin: is 2_

_ maulslover: is NOT_

_ sithassassin: IS 2!_

_ maulslover: IS NOT! NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT! HES GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD ALL THE WAY THRU AND DON'T DENY IT!_

_ sithassassin: evil evil EVIL ALL THE WAY THRU AND UR A SHAME TO MAUL FANDOM IF YOU THINK HE'S GOOD!_

_ maulslover: o shut up ur so stupid ur mama's so fat…_

Maul quickly decided that this conversation was not worth his time and closed the window. But he sat frowning in concern a while afterwards. Were these people really so stupid? And had they been arguing about _him?_

Confused and becoming increasingly angry with each passing moment, Maul decided it was time to do some biologically important killing, even if the killing was only of droids.


	2. Maul Seeks His Soft Side

"Approaching planet Earth in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…"

Darth Maul now sat again in the pilot's seat, bringing his ship to land in a relatively uninhabited area. He wasn't precisely sure where he was, but he believed he was somewhere in the country of _United States of America_. His computer told him that he had landed somewhere in the province of Illinois; he was, according to the map readouts, more centrally located.

The ship landed smoothly. Still cloaked, it could not be seen by anyone in the area. Darth Maul opened the hatchway and prepared to depart, swathed in his black cloak and black Sith robes. His lightsaber hung at his side, clipped neatly to his belt, should he need to use it.

And he felt quite ready to use it at any time. He was still rather irked about the conversation he had been reading earlier. He stopped in the doorway of the control room and glanced back at the console. Were they still discussing him?

"Computer," he said in his guttural tone.

The console blinked to life. "Yes?"

"Reconnect to Earth's main communication system."

"Connected. You are in Star Wars Chicks Chatroom."

With a somewhat heavy heart, Maul approached the console. He dropped into a chair and began to read the conversation once more. He was dismayed that the conversation still continued, hours later.

_luvshornyguys: but really, Sidious just abuses him and abuses him and I bet somewhere deep down it hurts._

_ sithassassin: who cares? he likes killing people. even if it did "hurt somewhere deep down" he wouldn't know it. he's just used to it._

_ maulslover: but don't u think that's sad? I mean he shouldn't b like that._

_ sithassassin: but he is, so there._

Maul groaned and said, "Disconnect!" The computer obeyed and shut down.

It took him a moment to collect himself. Finally, he got up and started to walk out of the door. But as he walked down the hall, he stopped and began to ponder. _Do I really have a soft spot somewhere deep inside?_

He stopped. He searched his emotions. He searched and searched and searched.

He breathed a sigh of relief. "Nope," he said with an evil grin, and then set out to face the world.


	3. The Fangirls Discuss Maul

**Author's Note: All the characters that appear in this chapter are based off of either my friends or myself. Their names have not been changed for their protection (except mine…), and neither have their personalities. God help anyone who reads this and actually knows us.  
**

It was pitch black outside Gabby's house, but Gabby was still awake, her bedroom light shining brightly in the blackness outside. Her fingers flew across the keyboard as she typed a message to the others in the chatroom whom she considered to be extremely annoying.

_imatrekkie: Look, one of my friends is a HUGE Star Wars fan and she's OBSESSIVE about Darth Maul. Even SHE doesn't think he's all soft inside._

She paused briefly. _Not that this keeps her from writing Maul romance or anything._

She waited for a response. After a moment, an angry reply came up.

_mrsmaul: hey there is NOTHING wrong with Maul romance fics even if they are completely and totally unrealistic! and hon you're a Trekkie, what do you know about this anyway?_

Gabby shrugged. Admittedly, very little, but still... her friend had suggested a good fanfic on this site, and she couldn't help getting involved in the conversation once she had found it.

_imatrekkie: What little I happen to know about Darth Maul is enough to convince me that he's not the romantic type._

_ mrsmaul: yeah, it wouldn't seem like it, but it's not like he ever talks or anything. look, it's not that I have anything against Trekkies, but they just don't know as much about Darth Maul…_

- - - - - - - - -

…_as Star Wars fans do,_ Colken finished. _I mean, Star Trek is a great show and all, but it doesn't have Maul in it._

_ arwensolowhowearskhaki: yeah I think I'm gonna go w/ mrs maul on this one cuz really trekkies are weird I have this Trekkie friend whose really nice but she's kind of a psychopath…_

Colken raised an eyebrow as she read the comment.

_mrsmaul: your name is interesting Arwen Solo. Han fan?_

_ arwensolowhowearskhaki: OMG MY SMUGGLER IS SO HOTT!_

Colken snorted.

_mrsmaul: yeah not as hott as Maul, but ok…_

_ arwensolowhowearskahki:_ _I guess it's a matter of taste, but **I** thinks he's hott. but about maul… I think he's ok although I don't know if he'd be all romantic and stuff… but I do like some maul romance fics because romance…_

- - - - - - - - -

…_is just so kewl and cute,_ Hillary typed. And she really did think so. She was a romantic at heart, and even she thought that Maul had some stuff going for him. She waited for some comments to pop up.

_imatrekkie: I think all of you are freaks of nature. What's so sexy about horns, anyway?_

_ mrsmaul: well, for starters, they're just so cool and different. And let's not even go into the S&M possibilities…_

Hillary laughed long and hard about this comment. She began to type again.

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: yay S&M! ok sorry that wuz scary but really maul just has this kind of sense about him that makes him all mysterious and stuff. it's very nice._

_ mrsmaul: see even the Han fan gets it!_

_ cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Hippos say "looploop."_

Hillary stared at the final comment. "What the…?" she muttered.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Sasha sat and waited for a response to her comment. She thought this entire conversation was total crap and wondered why the heck anybody would even care about such a thing. She, personally, was a vampire fan - to be specific, a Gerard Butler as Dracula in _Dracula 2000_ fan, but nobody here necessarily had to know that. Sasha wasn't even sure how she'd stumbled onto the site. She thought somebody had the name _gerrybsgurl_, but she hadn't seen anyone named that yet. Perhaps they'd been intelligent enough to find a better online chatroom.

A comment appeared on her screen.

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: ummm ok… that was werd_

_ mrsmaul: I take it you have no clue what we're talking about._

Sasha rolled her eyes and typed, _not really, and I honestly don't care much either._

Despite this interruption the conversation continued.

_anakin'sastooge: I think you guys are all CRAZY. I mean Darth Maul…_

- - - - - - - - - -

_… is a really nasty bad guy who killed qui-gon!_ Katie finished typing, feeling angry at this whole conversation. People could be so stupid sometimes.

_maulslover: oh a stupid QUI-GON fan._

_ mrsmaul: I have nothing against Qui-Gon or his fans but Darth Maul just has something going for him that they don't… I don't know._

Katie began clacking away on her keyboard. _Obi-Wan's pretty hot._

_ mrsmaul: he doesn't have a sexy voice like Maul does though. I hear that voice and I totally melt! (swoons)_

_ maulslover: lol mrs.maul I so no what u mean!_

_ imatrekkie: I'm sorry, but that's sad._

_ cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: yeah I agree with trekkie chick here_

Katie nodded fervently, although none of her online conversation companions could see it. _Me too._

_ arwensolowhowearskhaki: well I can see it but I don't nececarily agree w/ it. but palpatine is kewl._

It was almost funny how the entire room erupted at that.

_mrsmaul: PALPATINE? ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS???????_

_ maulslover: OMG HE TOTALLY ABUSES MAUL DON'T U THINK THAT'S SICK! U R A SICK SICK SICK SICK PERSON AND I HATE U! GO AWAY TO WHATEVER SCARY PLACE U CAME FROM FREEK!_

_ luvshornyguys: Wow I was gonna sit this one out but that's just weird I think u need serious mental help_

_ imatrekkie: Okay, even I think that's more than a little twisted, Arwen Solo._

_ anakin'sastooge: If it's possible, Palpatine's worse than Maul! I can't believe you like Han, too!_

_ cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: ummmm… llama?_

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

And the conversation went on long into the night, monitored by the very man they had been discussing in such a sacrilegious fashion.


	4. Maul Stalks a Fangirl

Darth Maul was using his electrobinoculars to study the house before him. He had them trained on the bedroom window of a girl with shoulder-length, curly brown hair. From what Maul could see, she was typing, mumbling, and occasionally gesturing animatedly at a computer screen. Maul suspected that she had some sort of mental problem. He also suspected that she was one of the people talking about him.

He put the electrobinoculars down and then ran to the wall, leaping onto it and clinging to it, slowly climbing towards the girl's window. _Wonderful,_ he thought to himself. _I would appear to the common observer to be some sort of voyeuristic sex criminal. I hate this planet._ Maul cloaked himself in the Force, to make the girl unaware of his presence, and then slipped in through her open window.

The girl was still busily typing at her computer. She was indeed on the site that Maul had been sent to, under the name of mrsmaul. Maul looked at her and made a face. _Right. Keep dreaming, human._

Maul studied his surroundings. He was startled to find himself staring at himself - a large poster hung on her wall. Surrounding it were many other printed, still photos of him. He walked over and looked at them individually. He found it disturbing that this girl had somehow managed to find pictures of him. How could she have? No one in _his_ galaxy had _ever_ recorded his face - not even on security cameras. He glanced over his shoulder at her. She was still typing crazily, oblivious to the fact that the man whose virtues and sexy voice she was extolling was sitting right behind her. He shook his head and glanced at the floor - and almost blew his cover with a startled gasp.

There was a book on the floor - a _paper_ book, no less - that had a cover picture of him without a shirt on. He stooped and lifted it, still gaping at the picture. _She has a picture of me SHIRTLESS!_ He glared over his shoulder at her. _Pervert._

Maul opened the book and began to flip through it. Almost the whole thing was pictures of him - not necessarily shirtless, but there were at least two sections where he was. The book depicted his destruction of the Black Sun company, which, contrary to what the book seemed to be saying, he had done with his shirt _on_. Although, Maul had to admit as he stared at one of the pictures, he did look pretty good shirtless. Maybe he would start losing his shirt more often.

He set the book down and then began to look further in the girl's room. Also plastered on her wall were pictures of other people, each of them almost appearing to have their own shrines. There was a somewhat stooped, ugly, pale and black-haired man in black robes, usually pictured with a blonde woman in white; his name was apparently Gríma. Not only were there pictures of him, but there were also action figures and few stacks of paper upon which were written stories involving the character.

Maul moved on to the next "shrine," which appeared to be fairly new. This was dedicated to a cartoon-ish character who appeared to be a superhero - he wore a cape and a spandex suit with a giant "S" on it. He had orange-red hair that stood straight up. His name appeared to be Syndrome. Maul glanced at the character and shook his head. He had no idea why she appeared to like these people so much - and he still wanted to know how she had pictures of him.

He turned and walked over to the computer where she sat, and watched the warring conversation continue.

_mrsmaul: Well don't you think it's possible that someone could bring out a gentler side in him?_

No, Maul thought.

_imatrekkie: I kind of doubt it, hon._

Maul smirked.

_maulslover: well, look, we think it could happen. all he needs is the rite kind of person to luv and care for him._

Maul literally almost vomited upon reading this comment.

_mrsmaul: I can see where both sides are coming from, really, but I like to argue that there's some good in everyone, even all the villains I'm obsessed with. But I'd still like him even if that wasn't true. Besides, he has a sexy voice. drools_

Maul blinked, staring blankly at the screen. "Sexy… voice?" he muttered, utterly confused. He almost smacked himself when he realized he'd said that out loud.

The girl - Mrs. Maul, he very, _very_ reluctantly began to call her - whipped around and said, "Who's there?"

Maul barely had time to duck behind her chair and then slip behind her bed, safely hiding himself from view. Mrs. Maul still looked incredibly suspicious, and she got up and began to look around the room. "Hello?" she called, still looking confused beyond belief and seeking whoever had spoken.

Maul silently cursed himself and the stupid site that this girl was on. _I swear, I'm going to kill her, I swear I will…_

The girl walked to her window and leaned out of it. Maul suddenly felt a rush of panic. His ship was cloaked, but his speeder bike was sitting in the middle of her yard!

Maul cursed himself again, in several different languages and with extremely strong expletives. _Perhaps the darkness will shield it from view..._

The girl gasped. She had seen his speeder bike.

_Damn._

Mrs. Maul turned and ran across her room, throwing open the door and charging down the stairs at top speed. Maul almost felt relieved to see her go. Except, of course, for the fact that she was running outside to look at his speeder bike.

Maul grimaced and bashed his head against Mrs. Maul's bed. _Damn, damn, damn, damn!_ he swore at himself. _Damn me, damn my stupid "hotness," damn these girls, damn this site, damn my soft side. DAMN MY STUPID SEXY VOICE!_

Maul felt like Force-throwing Mrs. Maul across the room. Unfortunately, she was not available for this purpose, and although doing that would certainly have made him feel better, it would probably have drawn undue attention to her room, in which case he would be caught.

Maul bashed his head one more time and then settled down to wait.


	5. One Down, 55 million to go

Colken ran outside in a rush. She was almost positive she was hallucinating, and that there was absolutely no reason to be running into her yard - but still… 

No. She couldn't have seen what she thought she had seen. It was impossible. Darth Maul was a fictional character. His speeder bike could not - would not - be sitting in her front lawn.

She hurled open the door and charged down the stairs. She stopped dead - for there the speeder bike sat, defiantly shattering all of Colken's concepts of reality (which were relatively few in number and quite distorted anyway. After all, she was utterly in love with Syndrome and called Gríma Wormtongue her best friend.)

Colken stared at the bike. If it had had eyeballs, it would have stared back.

Colken continued to stare. What, exactly, was one supposed to do when the speeder bike of one's major movie crush appeared in one's front yard? Should one attempt to ride it? Should one immediately seek the person who owned the bike? And why on earth, or Middle Earth, or Nomanisan, or Coruscant, or wherever, did one have to keep referring to oneself as "one"?

She shook her head angrily, tossing her brown curls back from her face irritably. Well, at least, she attempted to. What she ended up doing was tangling the curls to a greater degree and getting numerous strands of hair stuck in her mouth. She pushed them out of her face in an attempt to look dignified. This attempt also failed miserably. Colken rarely managed to look dignified, especially at one a.m. on a Sunday night when she was supposed to be doing an American Culture Studies paper but had instead spent her entire evening arguing about Darth Maul's soft side. Yeah... Colken had utterly no life, and she lived in a horrendous place known as Hicktown.

No, really! The town was actually called Hicktown! It was a horrible, yet accurate description, of where Colken lived. She liked to call it "the land where she actually thinks his tractor _is_ sexy." She hated that particular Kenny Chesney song, and she hated tractors and large trucks even more.

The vehicle sitting in front of her, however, was, in her humble opinion, sleek and sexy beyond belief - somewhat like its rider, in her mind. She approached the speeder bike with caution, holding out a hand in front her. It looked as though she were afraid of being bitten by a rabid hamster - well, maybe something slightly larger than a hamster, but you get the general idea.

After a few seconds of laboriously reaching out to touch the bike, her fingers actually made contact with it. Colken gave a tiny squeal of fear and scampered back, as though afraid it might bite her hand off. It didn't, although there was a certain aura about it that seemed to state that it _definitely_ wanted to. Ignoring this ominous impression, Colken reached out once more and firmly gripped the handle of Maul's bike. (That sounds really dirty, doesn't it? Ha! Made you look!) It bucked slightly under her touch. Then it was still again.

Colken climbed aboard it and flinched as she waited for it to hurl her free...

Nothing happened.

Feeling surprisingly relieved, she began to bounce on it. This was a mistake. Suddenly, the machine began to spin in large, vertical ovals, up into the air and hurtling down to the ground, like some horrible amusement park ride, over and over again, just the blackish, starry sky and dark green grass and brick house and sky again. It was enough to make anyone vomit. Colken proceeded to do just that, and then, still clinging tightly to the bike, she screamed like a little schoolgirl (which wasn't entirely inaccurate, considering that Colken was, technically, a rather skinny high school girl.)

After many more horrible circles, the thing managed to hurl the screaming fangirl off. (Look at the smooth way the author incorporated the title! Pa-CHING!) Colken went flying and smashed into a large silver maple in her front yard. She slumped, unconscious, against the trunk, and promptly began to have a dream involving a large chicken, a pair of nun chucks, and a gigantic vat of nacho cheese. (This is completely irrelevant to the rest of the story. Feel free to disregard it.)

- - - - - - - - -

Darth Maul chuckled evilly to himself as he watched Mrs. Maul (ach! what a name!) fly off his speeder bike and smash into a tree. _BWA HA HA HA HA! _he thought. _Take that, wanna-be wife! What do you think of my soft side NOW?_

Maul proceeded to discover just that by peering into her mind. His own brain filled with an astounding visual - a visual of a gigantic purple chicken with a large cape reading "El Pollo Morado!" waving a pair of nun chucks and dumping boiling hot nacho cheese onto a small, fuzzy, squeaking hamster.

Maul felt deeply confused by this. Did this visual have something to do with him? What did the chicken symbolize? Why was there nacho cheese involved? How in the galaxy did he know what nun chucks were, not to mention hamsters and chickens and nacho cheese?

He pulled out of her mind hurriedly, deciding that it was an extremely scary place for his mind to be wandering alone at night. A giant chicken might leap out any moment and mug his poor little brain of all its loose change, or something like that. If… minds… had… loose… change… what!?

Maul gave up any attempts on explaining Mrs. Maul's way of thinking and walked away from the window, where he had been sitting, controlling the speeder bike. He was planning to leave, but he heard a sudden dinging noise that started him. He whipped out his lightsaber and turned, snarling, to face the noise. He discovered that it was only two new messages appearing on the computer screen.

_imatrekkie: Are you still there, mrsmaul?_

_ arwensolowhowearskhaki: hey r u there?_

Maul turned away in disgust. He had no desire to talk with these lower humanoids. But then, an idea occurred to him - an extremely evil idea.

Grinning wickedly, Maul turned towards the computer screen and sat down.

- - - - - - - - -


	6. The Fangirls Tell All

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: Yoo hoo! Hello! Dorkface, where are you?_

_mrsmaul: I'm here._

_imatrekkie: Damn. And I thought you'd left us already._

_mrsmaul: I am not so easily driven away._

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: …_

_imatrekkie:…_

_anakin'sastooge: …_

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Llamas get loose!_

_mrsmaul: What is this "llamas" that you speak of?_

_imatrekkie: Wow. I think while you were gone you went out and smoked some pot._

_mrsmaul: No. I do not "smoke" anything._

_anakin'sastooge: You know, for some odd reason I'm picturing you with a really deep voice right now._

_mrsmaul: Perhaps YOU are the one who has "smoked some pot."_

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Hippos say loop-loop!_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: No… hippos say… well… I don't know what they say, actually… probably something along the lines of "bwaaaarrrrr!"_

_imatrekkie: I would go with some sort of roaring sound._

_maulslover: Y THE HELL R U TALKIN BOUT HIPPOS! WTF!_

_sithassassin: Tru dat._

_mrsmaul: Perhaps you discuss hippos' language because you do not wish to confess the heart of the matter._

_maulslover: WTF?_

_imatrekkie: What matter? How Maul is hot? Because he's not. At all._

_maulslover: WTF OF CURSE HE IS!_

_mrsmaul: You are all agnari._

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: Huh?_

_mrsmaul: You needn't dwell on it._

- - - - - - - - -

Maul clicked away at the computer keys, watching the responses to his thread of conversation slide upwards across the screen. Of course, these pitiful humanoids did not understand the word _agnari_ (a very strong Zabrakian swear word) but it was worthwhile to imagine the confused expressions on their faces.

Maul continued to type.

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: Ok u SERIOUSLY need help._

_mrsmaul: You seek to lay the blame for your problems on me._

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: Huh…?_

_mrsmaul: Do not deny it._

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: Well, I wasn't, exactly…_

_mrsmaul: You ridicule me as you ridicule your inner self. Confess it. You have some deep inner turmoil that drives you to despair daily._

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: I DO NOT!_

_mrsmaul: Every word you say makes it clearer._

:long pause:

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: ALL RIGHT I CONFESS!_

_mrsmaul: Yes?_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: I'M PREGNANT! WITH TRIPLETS! AND THEY'RE HAN'S!_

_imatrekkie: WHAT?????_

_mrsmaul: And YOU, foolish humanoid, you too will share your deep inner secret!_

_imatrekkie: I most certainly will not, thank you very much._

_mrsmaul: I will wait._

:long pause:

_imatrekkie: Dear God… you… you **know!**_

_mrsmaul: Yes._

_imatrekkie: And you… you believe me?_

_mrsmaul: Of course not. But I will permit your feeble mind to pretend that I do._

_sithassassin: Ok, wtf is going on here?_

_imatrekkie: I SEE STUPID PEOPLE!_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: IT WAS JUST AN ORDINARY ROLE-PLAYING GAME! WHO THE HELL WEARS A CONDOM WHEN THEY'RE ROLE-PLAYING, HUH?_

_imatrekkie: Everywhere I go… they haunt me… I see them stalking me… staring those horrible blank stares… accusing me of using big words when I say things like "pineapple"… _

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: And it just HAD to be triplets, didn't it? It couldn't be one baby, oh no, certainly not TWO, it had to be THREE STUPID BABIES…_

_imatrekkie: And they use ONE SYLLABLE WORDS AND CALL THEMSELVES SMART! Words like "juice" and "silly"!_

_mrsmaul: That's two syllables._

_imatrekkie: SEE! THE STUPID PEOPLE ARE DESTROYING MY BRILLIANT MIND!_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: And now my Aragorn poster won't even talk to me!_

_imatrekkie: I just want to machine gun them all down! Right now! Watch their blood run down the stairs of the high school… see them perish in anguish and fear of my intelligence!_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: And I'm so fat and Han's just sitting on my desktop smiling his hot smuggler smile with those STUPID STRIPEY PANTS…_

_imatrekkie: VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: And I just don't know what to do with my life!_

_imatrekkie: BWA HA HA HA HA HA!_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: Maybe become a stripper…_

- - - - - - - - -

Maul watched with a maniacally evil grin as the words scrolled across the page, faster and faster. His mind games with these weak humanoids were working. He would drive them to insanity. And soon… so soon… he would destruct them all completely, after laying their minds bare…

- - - - - - - - -

_anakin'sastooge: This is really creepy…_

_mrsmaul: You fear it only because you do not understand it._

_anakin'sastooge: Yeah. Right._

_mrsmaul: Perhaps you also wish to confess your deep secrets to this group._

_anakin'sastooge: It looks more like everybody's going insane._

_mrsmaul: Same thing._

_anakin'sastooge: …_

_mrsmaul: Do not tax your small cerebellum thinking too hard about it._

_anakin'sastooge: I RESENT THAT!_

_mrsmaul: And what ELSE do you resent?_

:long pause:

_anakin'sastooge: Cheesecake._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: You resent CHEESECAKE?_

_anakin'sastooge: And cream puffs._

_anakin'sastooge: And my rubber ducky._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Why do you resent your rubber ducky? What did it ever do to you??_

_anakin'sastooge: Well…_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: Or maybe I should join the circus. I think I would be a good trapeze artist._

_anakin'sastooge: One time…_

_imatrekkie: I just want to take my hands and wring their worthless little necks!_

_anakin'sastooge: … at band camp…_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: Of course I wouldn't do trapeze while I was pregnant. That would be stupid._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: WILL YOU PEOPLE SHUT UP? SOMEONE IS TRYING TO TELL A STORY HERE!_

:pause:

_anakin'sastooge: Ok… where was I?_

_mrsmaul: Band camp._

_anakin'sastooge: Oh yeah. Well, this one time, at band camp, we were marching around in circles like we always do, only there was this cheesecake sitting out for us to eat cuz it was the last day of band camp, see?_

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Yes._

_anakin'sastooge: And so I was staring at the cheesecake and I was like, "Cheesecake, you look so yummy… I wish I could eat you!" But Mr. Stalter, the band director, was like, "NO CHEESECAKE FOR YOU! MARCH!" But Ms. Yonker, our other band director, was really nice and gave me this cream puff… only I don't like cream puffs because this girl I ate lunch with describes them as crunchy bugs with gooshy yellow guts pouring out…_

_imatrekkie: heh heh heh…_

_anakin'sastooge: So anyway, I tried to eat this cream puff, but I ended up throwing up all over my trumpet, which was really sad, plus it didn't help that Mark Overholt kept calling me a "trumpet strumpet" and I was ready to beat him over the head with the bass drum. So Ms. Yonker let me go up to my room, and when I'm sick I always want my rubber ducky to be nearby because then I can sing the rubber ducky song which always cheers me up, only I found out that Ben Swanson had set fire to the rubber ducky and melted it into a puddle of goo inside the hotel bathroom sink. So I had no rubber ducky and I was throwing up and being angry and it really sucked._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Poor rubber ducky._

_mrsmaul: Poor YOU, for concealing your secrets._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: I don't have secrets._

_mrsmaul: Everyone has secrets._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Nope. Not me._

_mrsmaul: Come now. It's all right to admit your weakness._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Oh, that's easy. I struggle with forward motion._

_mrsmaul: Oh?_

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Yup._

_mrsmaul: Ah. Continue._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Well, see, I've been banging my head against the wall…_

_arwensolowhowearskhaki: oh-oh_

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: And of course that hurts like heck because when you smack your head against the wall you raise a lump the size of a watermelon… and my head isn't even as big as a watermelon…_

_mrsmaul: A strange dilemma._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Yup. And then I get lots of headaches because I'm supposed to be the devil on this one girl's shoulder and I keep telling her to eat this crayon, but she has this angel who is quite frankly a bit of a slacker (her name's Alberta) who keeps telling her NOT to eat the crayon… so as you can see, I have my work cut out for me._

_mrsmaul: Yes…_

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Plus this girl - the girl whose shoulder I'm on, you know - she's just so stupid. I mean, really. Don't you think a smart person would just automatically know not to eat a crayon?_

_mrsmaul: Yes…_

_imatrekkie: GAH! A STUPID PERSON! LET ME KILL HER! LET ME CRUSH HER HEAD LIKE A MELON UNDER THE TREADS OF AN ARMY TANK!_

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Plus she has this weird thing with Syndrome from the Incredibles. Don't ask me what that's about, because I'm sure I don't know. I try and bring her into the realm of good taste… you know, guys like Gerard Butler and Heath Ledger, whose name is actually Heathcliff… isn't that exciting? I want to marry someone named Heathcliff._

_mrsmaul: Ah…_

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: And her name is Gladys Gertrude. I mean, really. She has an angel on her shoulder named Alberta Louise Pinkerton, and then she's got to go and have that horrible name. I don't understand it._

_imatrekkie: Kill… stupid… alksfjdoadsufalkvjlajre0wao_

_mrsmaul: Perhaps we should close this discussion._

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: Technically I should own her soul because she actually did eat the crayon. Well, mentally she ate the crayon. So now her soul is mine to send out to eat crayons and seek Heath Ledger._

_mrsmaul: SHUT UP!_

_cAnAdIaNlLaMaFaRmEr: And I'm just waiting for Heath Ledger to show up and propose to me so I can move to Canada and start my Canadian Llama Farm… oh, wait, I think it's supposed to be Orlando Bloom who marries me… but who needs that loser, right?_

_mrsmaul: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!_

_- - - - - - - - -_

The Canadian Llama Farmer had no secrets. None at all. And now that he'd asked, and she'd been revealing her weaknesses to him, he couldn't get her to stop. It was a raging torrent of useless information, trapped inside this Llama Farmer's head. For example, he discovered that October was National Repair Your Toilet Tank Month, as well as Cookie Month, and that Talk Like a Pirate Day had been about a month ago.

"AAAAGH!" Maul leapt away from the computer as though it were poisonous, clutching at his head. "Too… much… useless… information… must… kill… targets… GAH!"

And Maul ran outside in a flurry of black robes, rage rising like a red mist before his eyes. It was time to finish this useless mission - time to destroy these screaming fangirls, and move on.


	7. Death to Fangirls!

Hillary sat sobbing hysterically at her computer screen in her bedroom. "And then there's this elf," she wailed, "And he wants my ears. Don't ask me why, because I'm sure _I_ don't know. But he has a cross-dressing vampire who wants to date him - " 

"Uh, Hillary…?" a girl sitting behind the now-frantic Hillary said uncertainly. "Are you ok?"

"No, Karen, I'm not ok!" Hillary snapped. "I have all these men who chase after me and I don't know why! Even the wall wants me, Karen! _THE WALL!_"

Karen began to back away slowly. "Hillz," she said, her eyes wide, "When you invited me over here to spend the night, I didn't realize you were on drugs."

"I'm not on drugs!" Hillary shouted. "Red Dye 40 does this to me sometimes, but that's completely beside the point!"

"Maybe I should just go home," Karen muttered. "I thought we'd be doing the usual sleep-over stuff… you know, marshmallows, staying up until three in the morning, lightsaber duels to the Crazy Frog Song…"

"And now Gladys is calling me Madame Hooker Boots - " Hillary snarled in fury.

"Really?" Karen looked interested. "Why?"

"Because she's jealous of my hooker boots!" Hillary said furiously.

"So… you really _are_ Madame Hooker Boots," Karen said, raising an eyebrow.

"Nooooo!" Hillary screamed, enraged. "I am NOT a committee!"

No sooner had the words left her mouth than the door burst open.

"Oh, great," Hillary groaned. "Now my door's busted, and my mom's gonna kill me - "

"Don't worry," a deep voice said. "I'll save her the work."

Darth Maul entered the room with a slow, menacing growl. He glared icily at the two friends and said, "All assembled here shall die."

"Oh, not you too!" Hillary snapped in exasperation.

Karen glanced at Hillary. "Jeez, Hillz, what kind of weirdos have you been hanging out with?" she demanded. "Are you a gang member? Because I'm against gangs."

Maul looked confused, but he plowed ahead anyway. "Since you are female and unarmed, I will kill you as painlessly as I may." He paused. "On second thought, no, I won't." He ignited his flaming read lightsaber and held it aloft.

"Whoa!" Karen said, amazed. "Sweet lightsaber!"

Maul glared at her, and then prepared to thrust the lightsaber into Hillary's heart.

"NOOOOOOO!"

A blue lightsaber smashed against the shimmering crimson blade. Maul met his foe's gaze unwaveringly and hissed, "Obi-Wan Kenobi."

Obi-Wan glared at the Sith Lord. "Yes," he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "It is I."

"Oh, shut up," Hillary said angrily. "That's actually Obi-Wan #1. He's kind of evil. He likes S&M. I know, because this one time - "

"GAH!" Karen screamed and covered her ears with her hands.

Hillary shrugged. "Obi-Wan #10's the real one," she concluded.

"Yes!" Obi-Wan #10 said, randomly appearing. "I am the _true_ Jedi Knight!"

"Good job!" A third, bearded Obi-Wan also randomly appeared beside the first two.

Maul stared at them all, slightly perplexed, and then shrugged. "It will be good to kill you all," he said, and with that, he attacked.

All four fought a noble battle in Hillary's room. They flipped, parried, thrusted, spun, and tried to avoid making too much noise after Hillary's mom yelled at them.

"Hillary!" she yelled up the stairs. "Stop banging around up there!"

"Sorry, mom!" everyone in the room called. They lifted their lightsabers to duel again, and then paused, realizing that they had just called an unfamiliar woman 'mom.' Then they shrugged and went back to attempting to kill each other.

The bearded Obi-Wan was the first to die. "Good job!" he said as he tumbled to the floor with a lightsaber wound in his chest.

Next to go was Obi-Wan #1. Maul rather gracefully beheaded him before he could make any dirty S&M related commentary on the pain.

Obi-Wan #10 was losing the fight badly and made an attempt to cute his nemesis in half, but Maul beat him to the punch (so to speak.) As Obi-Wan #10 fell to the ground in two pieces, he gasped out, "That… was… my… move!"

Maul shrugged. "Too bad," he said, and then he turned back to Hillary. "Your turn," he said, raising the lightsaber.

"But I don't wanna die!" she screeched. "I'm not a towel!"

Maul stabbed her through the heart.

"Not… a… committee…" Hillary said, and collapsed.

Karen stared at the wreckage, carnage, and other adjectives ending in -age surrounding her and gulped nervously. "You know, I wasn't kidding when I said that lightsaber was cool," she as Maul approached her, grinning maniacally. "Seriously. I wish I had one like it." She paused. "Oh, wait, actually - "

Maul raised his lightsaber.

"NOOOOOOO!"

Maul stared at the strange thing that had suddenly leaped before him. "Who the hell are you?" he snarled.

"I'm Po, the cross-dressing vampire!" Po said perkily, smoothing his French maid skirt. "And I'm here to defend - "

Maul stabbed him through the stomach and then tossed him aside with the Force. He turned back to Karen and said, "And now you too shall die."

Karen seemed to be staring at Po's corpse. "You didn't kill him, you know," she said casually. "He may be stupid, but he doesn't die that easily."

Maul waved a hand carelessly and raised his lightsaber again. "He is as dead as you will be in a moment," he informed her.

"Oh, I don't _think_ so," Karen said, and suddenly she whipped out -

_Sha-WING!_

"Darth Maul, meet Frickin' Huge Sword," Karen said with a smirk, holding out a sword that was taller and thicker than her by several feet both ways. "Frickin' Huge Sword, meet your nemesis!"

Frickin' Huge Sword made a strange vibrating motion. "_Sha-WING! Sha-WANG! Sha-THWING! Sha-WHOOSSH!"_ it said.

"Now," Karen said, grinning triumphantly, "Let us duel."

Maul shrugged again and deftly cut the metal Frickin' Huge Sword in half.

"_Sha-WAAAAAA_…"

Karen stared at the sad remains of Frickin' Huge Sword. "No!" she cried. "Look what you've done to Frickin' Huge Sword! My friend!" She wept over its broken blade for about five seconds. Then she recovered and remembered she was about to die.

"Good-bye, earth girl," Maul said, raising his lightsaber.

Karen gave a sort of resigned sigh. "But I wanted to die in Antarctica…" she muttered unhappily.

Then, with a quick slash of his lightsaber, Karen, too, was dead.

"Hi, my name is Po the cross-dressing vampire, and I'm still here to defend - " Po stopped and stared in horror at Karen's body on the floor. "Oh shoot," he said, stomping his high-heeled foot.

Maul stared at him. "I killed you!" he exclaimed in fury.

"Nuh-uh," Po said, waving a finger in Maul's face - never a good idea. "Obviously you didn't, because I'm still standing here."

"I stabbed you!" Maul shouted. He pointed at a hole in Po's stomach. "Right there!"

Po looked at it, and then screamed. "Oh my God!" he wailed. "Do you have any idea what you've done to my cute little French maid dress? Ruined! I'll never be able to wear this again!"

Maul gave a disgusted snarl and stabbed Po yet again through the stomach. "Die, worthless pig!" he spat.

"Ouch," Po muttered, and then he fell to the floor.

Maul stalked out of the room, in a considerably worse mood than he had originally thought he would be. But it didn't matter at this point; it was time to go to his next victim: _imatrekkie_.

- - - - - - - - -

Gabby was pacing rapidly around her room, twitching spasmodically. Her fingers were curled as though wrapped around someone's throat. "Stupid… moronic… idiots!" she hissed through clenched teeth. "I'll kill them! All of them! MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - "

The door to her room creaked open.

"Kira, you had better stop spying on me or I'll - " Gabby whirled and stopped when she saw that it wasn't her little sister standing there. "Oh," she said disdainfully. "It's a _Star Wars_ villain."

Darth Maul stepped into her room and used the Force to close the door. "I am here to destroy you," he said.

Gabby snorted. "You and everyone else," she said.

"Do not mock me, earthling!" Maul barked at her. "I have suffered enough at the hands of your females! You will be crushed!"

"Crush," Gabby said under her breath. Aloud she said, "I'd like to see you attempt that."

Maul smirked. "With pleasure," he said, raising his lightsaber.

"NOOOOOOO!"

Maul snarled in exasperation. "Where are all these people _coming_ from?" he demanded. "Who are you?" he added as he studied the bulky figure standing before him.

"I am Worf," Worf said. "And I am here to defend my honor. And the girl."

"**_WORF!_**" Gabby howled. "I get **_Worf_** defending me? He's one of the biggest idiots on the _Enterprise_! Why couldn't Odo or Picard show up?"

"Picard sent me," Worf said, looking put out. "He told me that I must improve your image of me. He said that by defending you my honor would be restored in your eyes once again."

"Is that all you're about?" Gabby screamed. "Your stupid _honor_?"

"I am Klingon," Worf said woundedly. "I must protect my _GAAAAAAACK…_"

Worf collapsed to the floor, choking and gasping. Maul stood behind him, his hand raised. He held it in its Force-choking position until he was certain Worf was dead. He looked up with a grin at Gabby and said, "At last you will die, young earth female."

"NOOOOOOO!"

"Great," Gabby scowled. "Just great! Now I get stupid _Po_ defending me!"

"Hi, I'm Po, the cross-dressing vampire!" Po said lightly, now dressed in a little Dutch girl outfit complete with wooden shoes and long blonde braids. "And I'm here to defend - "

"I'VE KILLED YOU TWO TIMES ALREADY!" Maul bellowed. "HOW IN ALL THE GODS' NAMES HAVE YOU SURVIVED?"

"Well, it's not that difficult, considering that I'm a vampire," Po said with a grin, twisting a blonde braid around his finger. "But I must say my dress didn't survive nearly as well. Two burn holes, Gabby! Can you believe it? Two burn holes! One perfectly good French maid costume totally _spoiled_ - "

Maul gave a furious yell and stabbed Po through for the third time.

"_NOOOO!_" Po wept as he collapsed to the floor. "Yet another dress ruined!"

Gabby looked at Po's body on the floor and then looked back up at Maul. "You haven't kill him yet, you know," she said. "Just temporarily wounded him. You see, he - "

"SHUT UP!" Maul roared, and stabbed her through the heart.

"Bloody hell," Gabby muttered, and then she was dead.

"Good riddance," Maul said quietly to himself. "The last thing the world needs is another Trekkie…"

Now it was time for his third target: _anakin'sastooge_.

- - - - - - - - -

Katie was sitting on her bed, holding her new rubber ducky in her hands. "Oh, Ducky," she said with a sigh. "I miss your old friend. Stupid Ben Swanson for lighting him on fire!" She started to cry. "Why did he have to die?" she wailed. "I loved him! Him _AND_ the cheesecake!"

"Poor fool," a deep voice said from behind her. "You will find your plastic yellow waterfowl will be of no use to you now."

Katie turned to Darth Maul and sniffled. "My ducky listens to all my problems," she said. "How can you call that useless?"

Maul rolled his eyes and raised his lightsaber.

"NOOOOOOO!"

Maul lowered his lightsaber with an angry sigh. "Not again," he groaned, rubbing a hand over his eyes. "What _now_?"

Katie's rubber ducky rose in the air before Maul. "I'm Alec the Bright Yellow Duck of Rubberiness, and I'm here to protect Katie and listen to all her problems and feed her cheesecake."

"That's nice," Maul said, and slashed at the duck.

"NO!" Katie screamed. "Don't you _dare_ harm my - GAH!"

Maul had pushed Katie in her side to hold her back from the duck. What he hadn't realized was that Katie was _very_ ticklish.

"GAH!" she squealed as she collapsed to the floor. Maul stared at her curiously as she struggled to stand. When she was at last on her feet again, he reached out and poked her in the side once more.

"GAH!"

Maul watched her with a growing malicious grin as she got up from the floor.

_Poke!_

"GAH!"

_Poke!_

"GAH!"

_Poke!_

"GAH!"

"For God's sake, stop!" Alec the Bright Yellow Duck of Rubberiness cried. "Oh, the inhumanity!"

Maul sighed. The game was fun, but he needed to end this. He thrust forward with his lightsaber, melting the rubber ducky ("I'm melting! I'm melting!") and then stabbed backwards, killing Katie.

"GAH!"

"NOOOOOOO!"

Maul sighed and turned to glare at the newcomer. "A little late, aren't we, Po?" he said to the cross-dressing vampire.

"Hi! I'm Po the cross-dressing vampire, and I'm here to defend - oh dear," Po said when he noticed Katie's body and the puddle of bright yellow goo, clutching at the veil now hiding half of his face. He was wearing a harem girl costume with pointy-toed shoes and veils.

Maul raised a non-existent eyebrow and looked him up and down. "It's a good look," he said. "I think you should keep it."

"Do you?" Po said, admiring himself in Katie's mirror. "Well, I actually thought it looked rather good myself; covers more than the French maid and Dutch girl outfits, you know, but it's not _too_ prudish or boring - "

Maul stabbed the vampire through the stomach again. "I'm getting tired of killing you," he said to Po's body as it collapsed to the floor. "So I'm going to randomly stab you until I'm sure your dead."

He proceeded to do this until Po's body was covered in large burnt-looking holes. "Sorry about your outfit," Maul apologized insincerely, and then he turned and walked out.

- - - - - - - - -

Sasha was dancing around her room singing loudly to the song "Forward Motion" by Relient K.

"I struggle with forward motion…" she shouted loudly and off-key. "Cuz forward motion is harder than it sounds - "

Suddenly, from behind her, she hard a low growl. "You - Canadian Llama Farmer," a voice hissed.

Sasha turned around and saw Darth Maul standing before her window. "Good morning, sunshine!" she said with a grin.

He glared at her. "How can you possibly be so _happy_?" he demanded. "So unreserved? So I-don't-even-know-what-because-I-don't-use-happy-sounding-adjectives-ever?"

Sasha shrugged. "I find that a nice combination of chocolate, Gerard Butler, and a dartboard with my enemies' faces on it typically does the trick," she said. "You should try it sometime. Except without Gerard Butler. Otherwise, I highly recommend it."

Maul sneered at the advice. "We will see how much good such a regimen does for you once you are dead."

Suddenly, Po burst out of Sasha's closet. "Surprise!" he giggled, pulling down his small naughty-nurse costume skirt. "What do you think? After you totally ruined the harem pants I thought that I needed to go with a new look and I found this at some cheap store that was also selling tutorial videotapes on exotic dancing. I've got this really great stripper routine worked out, want to see?"

"NO!" both Sasha and Maul exclaimed.

"Too bad!" Po said brightly. "I just need some music and I'm reading to go! Oh, hey, this Relient K stuff might work - "

"Oh, dear Lord," Sasha groaned. "_Please_ don't ruin Relient K for me like that."

"I'm going to kill him," Maul snarled, seething. He raised his lightsaber.

"Wait!" Sasha shouted.

Maul stopped and looked back at her incredulously. "You _want_ him to live?" he demanded.

"All ready for the routine!" Po announced. "I just need to get in the right frame of mind - "

"No," Sasha said in answer to Maul's question. "I was just going to tell you to stab him through the heart with this - " She handed him a small knife that popped out of a cross-shaped handle - "And then cut his head off. That's the only way vampires die."

Maul took the knife gratefully from her hands. "Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times - "

"Ok, ready now!" Po exclaimed.

"Just do it!" Sasha yelled.

Maul turned and stabbed Po through the heart and cut off his head.

Sasha stared at the blood on her wall as Maul wiped his hands clean on his black robes. "Great," she muttered. "Just great. Now my Wall of Crazy is covered in blood." She considered, and then shrugged. "Who cares?" she said to herself. "Po's dead!"

"Yes," Maul said with a smile. "And I am afraid you must die too."

Sasha smiled widely at him. "You go ahead and try that," she told him.

He raised his lightsaber. He stopped and waited.

Nothing happened.

He sighed in relief and prepared to stab Sasha through the heart.

"Bound, bound, bound and rebound!"

Maul turned as he felt the floor vibrate and saw a bright pink computer-animated Jackalope leaping towards him. "What the hell…?" he said.

The Jackalope bounded up to him and stopped, laying a paw on his shoulder. "What's your problem, son?" he said in a gentle, understanding voice.

Maul stared at the Jackalope. "Um…" He paused and thought. "Nothing…"

"It looks like something's wrong," the Jackalope said. "Seein' as how you're trying to kill this poor young lady here."

Sasha blinked her eyes innocently.

"You know what you gotta do, son, when things go bad?" the Jackalope asked.

"Noooo… but - "

"You just gotta - " Here the Jackalope began to sing. - "Bound, bound, bound and rebound…"

He continued to sing this while leaping around Maul, until Maul was nearly driven out of his mind. "GAH!" he shouted. "Stop… the… happy… inspirational… messages… no! GAAAAAAAAHHH!"

And with that he fled Sasha's room and the terrors that hid there.

Sasha looked at the Jackalope and grinned at him. "Good work, mork swack," she said to him.

He gave her a thumbs up and hopped out of her room, still singing "Bound, bound, bound and rebound…"

- - - - - - - - - -

Maul leapt onto his speeder and flew as fast as he could back to his ship. But he was startled upon his return to find that there was a cluster of young girls standing around the entryway. "Oh, no…" he groaned as he stopped his speeder bike just short of the group.

"OH MY GOD!" one of them screamed. "He's here! He's really here!"

And suddenly, Maul was surrounded by a group of hysterical screaming fangirls.

"I had a tracking device set up," one girl told him breathlessly. "I watched and I waited and I saw someone had come and I hoped it was you so I called all the other girls and you're HERE! OH MY GOD YOU'RE HERE!"

"And I'm leaving!" Maul snarled. "Right now!"

"Take me with you!" the girls chorused in whiny, high pitched shouts. "I wanna go to the galaxy far far away and hunt Jedi and get tattoos and horns and play with your lightsaber - "

Maul was deeply shaken by the extremely dirty implications of this statement, and he screamed at them, "You want to play with my lightsaber? Fine! Taste laser blades!" He whipped out his lightsaber and spun it above his head.

"Oh my God," one girl gasped. "He's so sexy!"

She was the first to go down.

Maul mowed them all to the ground, one by one, continually stunned by their reactions to their fellow females' deaths. They didn't care. They were too happy watching him fight. It was an insane nightmare! Women, chasing after him? Drooling over _him_? He was a Sith! He took over the galaxy and killed things and killed Jedi and killed more things and killed yet more things! He didn't waste time on foolish girls such as these!

Once they had all fallen dead to the ground, Maul turned and ran up the ramp to his ship and took off as fast he could, praying to whatever entity had created the universe that he would never have to return to that wretched place.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Lord Sidious was meditating in one of the rooms he kept secreted away from Coruscant society when Darth Maul returned. "Tell me of your mission's success, my young apprentice," he said.

Maul came to stand in front of Sidious, his yellow eyes burning with rage. "Never," he snarled, breathing raggedly, "Send me near that planet again!"

Sidious smiled serenely at these words. "I thought so," he said, and left it at that.

- - - - - - - - -

Somewhere on earth, in a galaxy far, far away from Darth Maul's, a screaming fangirl stirred…

END

**UP NEXT IN THE SCREAMING FANGIRLS CONTINUUM: SCREAMING FANGIRLS II: FANGIRL ON A MISSION**


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